The McCathern Family

A Flyleaf Christmas

2011-12-22T02:14:00.002-05:00

"I've been looking in your window.
I've been dressing in your clothes.
I've been walking dead, watching you, long enough to I can't go on."
- Flyleaf, "This Close"

It's that time of year again. Stores are crammed with shoppers, whole radio stations appear on the internet playing versions of just two songs, and the McCathern family listens to entirely too much "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and "The Messiah" (yes, we have others, but that's what we tend to get stuck on around here.) Usually right after Thanksgiving I'm chomping at the bit to post something on the blog about what I'm thinking about regarding Christmas, as if everybody in our lives who really want more Micah and Asher pictures want to hear me dwell on whatever tangent my brain is taking this year. (Just nod and smile... nod and smile.)

This year has been different. California isn't working out the way I'd hoped. It's not bad exactly, just not great. Maybe my expectations were too high, or maybe the kids are getting old enough that the move was too hard for them. Maybe Sharon expressed it best in my new favorite-line-to-quote-out-of-context: "Traffic is the other shoe." But for whatever reason, this time of reflecting on the awesome wonder of the Incarnation has just not been all it has been in the past. I find myself shocked Christmas is less than a week away. I start to wonder if Lucy is right, and it's run by some big eastern syndicate.

All of which makes me feel disconnected from my favorite time of year.

This week has been extra bad, and today has been the crowning touch of bad on top of that (I won't get in to details because they get in to work that I don't want to talk about publicly.) So I've been feeling pretty down most of the day. And when I'm down, I listen to Flyleaf.

If you haven't heard of Flyleaf, bear with me for a bit. They are, as our friend Trilisa likes to call the genre, "angry boy music." I don't expect you to read this and go buy their music (unlike Out of the Grey, which you should do right now) because it's not everybody's thing. But today God used Flyleaf to teach me about myself, and all of us, and Christmas.

The song I excerpted at the beginning is called "This Close". It's about someone recognizing the God-shaped hole in their life:

I had a dream that we were dead, but we pretended that we still lived.
With no regrets we never bled, and we took everything live could give and came up broken empty-handed in the end.

I don't know who I am anymore.
Not once in life have I been real, but I've never been this close before.
I've been looking in your window.
I've been dressing in your clothes.
I've been walking dead, watching you, long enough to know I can't go on.

I finally was able to put words to the way I've been feeling about this move after hearing this song earlier today: I feel lost. I'm not lost (at least, not in the Baptist sense...) I know Christ. I know why I'm on this earth. I don't know why I'm here in Southern California, but I don't think it's always ours to understand all the motivations of the divine. This is not about knowing: it's about feeling. I feel like I don't know who I am: here I am doing the thing I've been telling myself I wanted to do since I was a little kid, and... it's not who I am. I feel separated. Disconnected. Lonely. Apart. Forsaken.

Obviously that's overstating things: I love my family, and they have been great here. Part of the reason I feel this way is because I feel detached from them with the commute and the hours and so on. But the reason I was having trouble connecting to Christmas is because I feel lost.

And Christmas, in addition to all of the other things I've said before, is about being found.

"I will put my laws in their minds, and I will write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their relatives, saying, ‘You should know the Lord.’ For everyone, from the least to the greatest, will know me already. And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins."
-- Hebrews 8:10-12

Ultimately being human in this world means being lost. Not once in our lives have we been real, and in the dissonance we experience with the world around us we come to know that. But sometimes we get close to real. So achingly close. We peer over the sill of the store window at the long hoped for present, longing for someone to know our secret desire and get it for us. We sit on our hands as we await the arrival of our loved one driving in to meet our family. We feel too tiny arms try to wrap around our inexorably expanding waistlines.

We follow these events around like hungry sparrows or the rats in the piper's tale. We try them on: outward trappings of a life of being known that should have been but never was. Looking in windows. Dressing in clothes. Walking dead, watching life.

Our God did not leave us like this. He did not abandon us after our rebellion, watching us with contempt for our attempts. Instead, in his compassion, He knew us: looked in our window. He dressed himself in our clothes. Walking dead (in the marked-for sense) He came to find us.

And there we were: an impossibly young mother unsure of how to care for this wriggling tangle of limbs. A grown man nervous about a son not fully his. We were sweaty and smelled of sheep. We were humbled by events we didn't understand despite our great learning. We were thankful our time had past, as we were old and tired. We told others how our half-mad ramblings had finally come to fruition in this child. We marveled at His early understanding (with authority) of spiritual matters. Broken, blind, full of hate, mocking, swearing, lying, stealing, killing, savage beings groping for everything life could give. And at the end we were broken and empty-handed.

So He gave us our secret desire. He showed us He knew us by becoming one of us. He became real for us, so that we might become truly real.

"Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others — the armies of heaven — praising God and saying:

'Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.'"
-- Luke 2:13-14

Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.

Miracles and Creation

2011-11-27T17:43:00.001-05:00

"When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?"
-- Psalm 8:3-4

Advent is upon us, and I want to write something about that, but recent events have reminded me that I'm in the minority of Evangelicals (at least, the vocal ones) since I'm a theistic evolutionist. With the mind blowing miracle of the Incarnation upon us (though it really is always before us) I thought I'd share one of my favorite passages from Augustine (thank you, Reverend Doctor Jim Smith, for introducing this to me some time ago):

The miracle indeed of our Lord Jesus Christ, whereby He made the water into wine, is not marvellous to those who know that it was God’s doing. For He who made wine on that day at the marriage feast, in those six water-pots, which He commanded to be filled with water, the self-same does this every year in vines. For even as that which the servants put into the water-pots was turned into wine by the doing of the Lord, so in like manner also is what the clouds pour forth changed into wine by the doing of the same Lord. But we do not wonder at the latter, because it happens every year: it has lost its marvellousness by its constant recurrence. And yet it suggests a greater consideration than that which was done in the water-pots. For who is there that considers the works of God, whereby this whole world is governed and regulated, who is not amazed and overwhelmed with miracles?

If he considers the vigorous power of a single grain of any seed whatever, it is a mighty thing, it inspires him with awe. But since men, intent on a different matter, have lost the consideration of the works of God, by which they should daily praise Him as the Creator, God has, as it were, reserved to Himself the doing of certain extraordinary actions, that, by striking them with wonder, He might rouse men as from sleep to worship Him. A dead man has risen again; men marvel: so many are born daily, and none marvels. If we reflect more considerately, it is a matter of greater wonder for one to be who was not before, than for one who was to come to life again. Yet the same God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, doeth by His word all these things; and it is He who created that governs also. The former miracles He did by His Word, God with Himself; the latter miracles He did by the same Word incarnate, and for us made man.

As we wonder at the things which were done by the man Jesus, so let us wonder at the things which where done by Jesus God. By Jesus God were made heaven, and earth, and the sea, all the garniture of heaven, the abounding riches of the earth, and the fruitfulness of the sea;—all these things which lie within the reach of our eyes were made by Jesus God. And we look at these things, and if His own spirit is in us they in such manner please us, that we praise Him that contrived them.

Waiting

2011-09-08T18:57:00.000-04:00

"Inigo Montoya: I do not suppose you could-a speed things up?
Man in Black: If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo Montoya: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Man in Black: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo Montoya: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in Black: That's VERY comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo Montoya: I hate waiting."
    -- The Princess Bride

Me too. Today I found out that I've fallen through a crack in the Blizzard HR system. It might even be my fault. But the short version of the story is that I don't start work next Monday. I start the Monday after.

Yes, I know. #richpeopleproblems. I was reminded recently of the number of people in Grove City who have lost jobs or recently had to find new work, and Sharon and my most recent big decision was keep the two jobs we had that were really good or transplant ourselves across country to two other jobs waiting for us. I shouldn't complain.

But waiting is hard:

Saul remained at Gilgal, and all the troops with him were quaking with fear. He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul’s men began to scatter. So he said, “Bring me the burnt offering and the fellowship offerings.” And Saul offered up the burnt offering. Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.

“What have you done?” asked Samuel.
    -- 1 Samuel 13:7b-11a

Trusting God is hard, not easy. Trusting God is harder when the ways you see God work aren't the things He does this time. Then to be asked to just hold off and wait? Don't start next week - just start the week after.

It should be easy enough. I'm sure I'll wish I had a week off in a month or two. A whole week to unpack things still in boxes, or straighten rooms still disorganized, or to write down that hymn arrangment Shelly keeps pestering me for (in her defense, she's bothered me less than once every five years, so it's not exactly pestering.)

But it's just another break in pattern. More time to worry if this was the right decision. More time to worry on all the stresses it is adding to our family life. More time to worry on the friends I miss in Grove City. More time to worry.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying [make their new job start one hour sooner]?"
    -- Jesus in Matthew 6:25-27, with a slight change from me

So it's a reflection of my mood and spiritual confusion right now that even this blessing seems annoying. Boy do I need help.

Churches

2011-08-14T00:28:00.000-04:00

"All I need is an arm around my shoulder on my way.
Did you say that the love of God can hold my heart,
Can wash my fears away?"
Satellite Soul "Wash"

I alluded in a previous blog post about one event that really sticks in my mind that led us to Fellowship Community Church in Grove City three years ago. I promised in that entry to blog about it, but I can't seem to find the followup, so I'm telling the story again.

At one point after we'd been going there about a year (maybe around new members' class for us) Pastor David asked me what I thought was the best thing (or maybe most distinctive, but positive) thing about the church. It took me about 200 milliseconds to answer:

Carol Frey.

We were brand new to the area. We had been married a while by then, and had a three year old, but in a lot of ways we'd never settled down (a long PhD program will do that to you.) We'd been in town less than a few weeks (I want to say less than two, but I'm not sure) and been to one church -- FCC. But Carol Frey (who would later become a dear friend of ours) not only took the time to meet us -- these new, strange out-of-towners -- but she went out of her way to do two other things. First, she invited Asher over to play with Jake (her one month younger than Asher youngest of four), which was a God thing. We'd had been worried and praying that Asher would have playmates, because he'd had only a handful of friends in Chicago and most of them had been from families like ours: in transition and in urban living. We were (probably pretty stupidly) worried about him making friends in a rural environment where all the kids grew up together and already knew each other.

But, to add to that, on that first play date she found out from Sharon that I played guitar and drums, had been leading worship at our church in Chicago, and was worried about finding a church in Grove City where I could minister on the worship team. So she contacted Debbie Throckmorton and set up a "dinner" where they both brought their kids, we brought Asher and my guitar, and Warren (my best friend in Grove City, who I first met that night), Michael (Carol's husband, and another close brother in the faith), and I sat out back and played guitar.

We visited other churches after that, but I'll tell you what I've long since told all of them: my heart wasn't in it. I felt like FCC was the place God wanted us.

Lots of stuff happened in the intervening three years. The church recently went through a nasty turn of events, and has had several people leave. But I'll never forget the kindness Carol showed us in opening up their already very crowded lives to make room.

This makes me think of another story I usually tell in combination with this one, but one I didn't understand until this occured. When I was first driving in high school my dad badgered me into coming to a visitation night with him because there was a couple who had brought their freshman boy to church, and dad suggested that rather than a visit from a staff member, he thought they'd be better served by a visit from the church youth. So, I went, and took a buddy or two with me. We went several times after that, because we noticed that whenever we visited the family almost always landed at our church -- usually becoming good friends. We joked about visitation being the opportunity to add to our social circle.

Of course now, I understand completely. Dad was savvy and shrewd. I can say if Asher had been 13 and Andy Frey and a couple of buddies had visited him that first week after we visited FCC we wouldn't even have bothered visiting anywhere else: even for show. I think you all probably know why.

Anyway, so here it is three years later, and we find ourselves in the same looking boat, but this time there is no Carol Frey. God will use something/someone to show us his way, I know. Pray I keep my eyes open.

Asher, awed by the fact that First EvFree Fullerton sends their kids outside to play on a playground on campus during their kids' time, has stated that's where he wants to go. It's a little big for Sharon and I, but who knows?

Anyway, keep praying for us. Things are falling in to place. God is good.

A Death, A Move, and Three Requests

2011-08-02T10:53:00.000-04:00

"Blind these eyes who never tried to lose temptation.
I'm so scared. Where's the hesitation?
You so easily proved that You could save a man:
well I am that man."
Jennifer Knapp, "Way I Am"

"To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

A saint of God in our church passed away last week: Kathy Hinton. Sadly, I barely knew her. She was already in poor health when Sharon and I joined the church, and though her husband Bill was faithfully at church almost every Sunday we've lived here, I never took the time to get to know Kathy.

Many in our church considered her a dear friend, though, and our church (recently rocked with conflict) is now in an odd position, as some of the people to whom she was dear are now being called to celebrate her life at a funeral to be held at the very church they have left.

There are so many conflicting emotions in my heart about moving to Los Angeles, and in middle of it I find the words of praise given in honor of this woman I never knew to be extremely comforting. She was faithful to her God. She relied on Him in her darkest moments. Her family knows the weight of glory.

With our leaving, many people have taken the time to say very nice things to me about our ministry here. I am thankful God has used me in their lives. But inside I know that just as we see our Christ as through a mirror darkly when we experience manifestations of love on earth I also know that the worry and concern I dwell on in this move are dim reflections of a deeper reality in my heart: the lack of faith still present. I am glad others have seen in me the work of God; for now I can't seem to get past the work left to do.

And thus with two different endings happening simultaneously (one leading to a glorious new beginning in the breath of God after a struggle with the body, and one leading to a hopefully good ministry and healthier life in sunny California after a struggle with weather), I find myself contemplating the incongruity of the complete power of God at work in his incomplete children. I didn't know Kathy, but I suspect that her times of doubt were real, her struggles honest. Yet, she was faithful, as I can hope to become.

Here is where those of you who share my faith will find beauty and those of you who don't will scorn: I believe all of the nice words said about Sharon and my character are true, just as I am sure that all of the words said about Kathy Hinton are true. And knowing the traitor inside me, I can only believe they are true because of the limitless power of my Heavenly Father to make them so, despite the rot in my own soul.

Why would He do this? Because it is simply His desire to do so.

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:3

So pray for the Hintons, and pray for us: to see Him more clearly, to love Him more dearly, and to follow Him more clearly in the days left to us, wherever they may be.

Take Our Stuff!

2011-07-24T14:16:00.004-04:00

So, thank you to those who have already bought something of ours. Attached are some pictures to try to entice you to take more.

old style desk and hutch (now FREE!)

train table:

If it's not crossed out from the previous post it is still available, but these items in particular we really don't want to move (the train table is a possible exception) so... make an offer. Don't be shy. :-)

Big Changes

2011-07-13T09:55:00.008-04:00

As you've all probably heard by now, we are moving to southern California. Despite the fact that we've only lived here for 3 years, we've accumulated too much stuff to move. Here is a list of stuff we'd like to try to get rid of before we move. Some stuff the prices are more firm than others (unless noted, assume we'll take the best offer we get when we start getting close to move out date), and keep checking back as we'll update this list as stuff is sold or if we need to add things.

Old Style Desk (free) - 3.5 ft. x 29 in., wood, 3 side drawers and 1 lap drawer - scratches on top and chipped trim on left side
Desk Hutch (free) - about the same size as above desk but doesn't match - bowed shelf
Big Office-Style Desk ($60) - 6 ft. x 30 in. with no drawers but small back shelf
Train Table ($15) - kids size with reversible top and storage on ends
Mattress, Box Spring, Frame ($35) - we have queen and double; you can have whichever you'd rather take (keep in mind these are pretty old mattresses, thus the cheap price)
88-key Keyboard with weighted keys and soft case ($80) - there's a dent in the top that makes it rattle whenever you strike a key, but it otherwise works
61-key Keyboard Yamaha SY-77 ($50) - a really nice synth back in the late 80's - quite dated but still works, includes hard shell flight case
Rotel home stereo power amplifier and 2 Acoustic Research 216 PS bookshelf speakers ($30)
1 12" wheel base Dora the Explorer Bike with training wheels ($20) - (yes, it was Asher's - don't tease him he really liked Dora at the time)
7.2 Ft^3 Chest Freezer ($200 mostly firm)
Tacoma M1 Mandolin ($115) - includes hard shell case
Game Table ($10) - small, wood, round
Futon ($35) - black frame and mattress with 2-sided cover (maroon and black)
Craftsman 22" snowblower ($150) - two years old with single drive train (drives both the auger and the forward movement)
old lawn mower ($15) - should work but we haven't used it
20" Dell LCD Computer Monitor ($30) - has composite, s-video, VGA, and DVI inputs
red sandbox (free) - in the shape of a crab with a few dents
GrillMaster small grill ($35) with propane tank (with some propane in it)
Drum Set ($150) - two set toms, one floor tom, bass and hi-hat with pedals, crash, ride, and splash cymbals, wood snare, stool, all hardware
37" Westinghouse LCD TV ($40) - this would be really good, except that I did a dumb experiment involving a Nintendo Wii and candles and got the screen too hot - as a result the TV suffers from burn-in easily, which unplugging for several hours seems to help
Fish tank (free) - 5(?) gal. tank, gravel, pump, etc., plus 2 male guppies and some fish food and extra filters

Epic

2010-09-08T10:36:00.000-04:00

"perfect in power
matchless in glory
nothing is greater, Brilliant Creator
friend of mine"
-Kristian Stanfill, "Beautiful Jesus"

Asher started singing a different song when I put this one on the stereo a while ago. He sang a couple of lines then announced that the title of this other song was "The Cries of the Squid in the Sea". He then sang another couple of lines and stopped to announce "this song is pretty long." I said, "it's only 3 minutes" thinking he was talking about the Kristian Stanfill song and he said, "No... it's 3 HOURS!" And proceeded to keep singing.

Now, if I was a better parent I would've run and gotten the recorder sooner, but at least after 45 minutes of constant improvisation I realized he was serious about this being a THREE HOUR EPIC operetta involving sharks and the poor squid in the sea. I'm uncertain as to the plot - for a while it sounded like the squid was in a video game trying to beat the sharks, but now it sounds like the squid is being prevented from attending school by the sharks (or maybe something else... we haven't heard from the sharks in a while.)

Of course, my son isn't bound by such pedestrian concepts as plot or theme. This is a THREE HOUR EPIC after all, covering great swaths of love and loss - the trials and tribulations of our entire race as projected onto a poor, lonely, crying squid. Weep, weep, my brothers and sisters. Face your mortality in a sobbing calamari!

Recording coming later. Sorry Asher - maybe I'll take it down off our blog when you reach adolescence (said the liar).

Technology

2010-09-07T21:03:00.002-04:00

"I beta tested every operating system.
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em.
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'.
It does all my work without me even askin'."
-Weird Al Yankovich, "All About the Pentiums"

Being on leave has taught me that while I love our kids a lot, really I want to mess with technology for at least a few hours a week. 40+ is an awful lot, so work sometimes still feels like burning out, but being completely without is reasonably rough.

Sharon and I got new iPhones a few weeks ago when our contract with Verizon expired. It's the kind of gadget-y extravagance I feel bad about, but not enough to not do it. We also have an HDHomeRun, so it seemed reasonable to try to figure out how to use VLC to transcode the video from the HDHomeRun in real time, enabling us to watch TV on our iPhones. That part was easy. Then I wrote a script to automatically tune the HDHomeRun based on HTTP GET requests as well as restart the VLC transcoding. Then I made a simple webpage listing all the ClearQAM channels we can tune with the HDHomeRun, with links to this script to start the streaming.

Now Sharon and I can watch Live TV from anywhere in our house on our iPhones, and it took about two hours. It was actually so simple to do I am surprised that there's not already "an app for that." We're one step closer to one of my technological fantasies: being able to display the Super Bowl on every TV, handled device, and computer at the same time on Super Bowl Sunday during our annual Super Bowl party. Everybody needs a dream, right?

It's the little things that make me smile. Only two more weeks of leave left, though.

Recovery

2010-08-10T10:34:00.000-04:00

"we stutter and we stammer 'til You say us
a symphony of chaos 'til You play us
phrases on the pages of the unknown until You read us into poetry and prose."
-Nicole Nordeman, "Healed"

I'm up to lifting 30 pounds this week (though I have a little pain in my low back on the other side from the surgery) so I'm almost entirely back to normal. After all this I can confidently say that I'm pretty bad at being "the least of these". I'm sure no one out there is surprised that I'm bad at humility.

There was a point in the hospital when I just broke: it was after both surgeries and they needed to put in a PICC line because my IVs kept closing up. The cultures had come back and shown I had an infection and was gonna need a 10 day course of IV antibiotics. After everything else, it just seemed so much, but I grabbed what strength I had left inside after freaking out for a few minutes and said ok. Then the IV team came in to put in my PICC line...

and after three attempts couldn't get it in.

So they scheduled me to go down to radiology and have it put in with a scope. It's nothing, they said. They just need to see which branch to take in the vein. They'd need to wait for a team to come out from the OR and then they'd come get me.

The OR? That was it. I was empty, hollow. No reserves left. I spent it all on the idea of having to have the PICC line in the first place. I was too young for this; I was stronger than this. It seems stupid to admit now, but it felt like the end. I would *always* be in the hospital sick from now on, and I started crying. Screaming really. "I need something to go right," I remember crying to my mom.

How many people feel that way and have nothing? I had so much (I still do) but God showed me, in that moment, just how little it all meant. We are frail and broken.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
-2 Corinthians 4:7

Both for good and ill, though, those memories are already slipping away. Oh Jesus, help me remember and trust in You, not in myself.

More update

2010-07-10T22:31:00.003-04:00

Kurtis had surgery, and a second surgery to fix a spinal fluid leak. He's at home, recovering, slowly returning to work. Thanks for the prayers.

Asher is FIVE! I simply can't believe it! And Micah is making great strides (literally!) (No, I actually do mean literally!) towards walking. He can "cruise" while holding onto furniture, or while holding someone's hands.

Update for those watching this space

2010-06-01T21:17:00.002-04:00

Kids are great -- Micah's crawling, has 2 teeth, and has developed separation anxiety. All is proceeding as expected. :) Asher's excited he'll be 5 soon, and has developed an intense love of all things Mario Brothers.

But the reason for this post -- if you see this, please pray for Kurtis. He's had back trouble off and on for several years, getting worse the last few months -- and getting MUCH worse as of Saturday. HE went to the ER and was sent home, but has now been admitted to the hospital for pain management and evaluation -- he had another MRI this evening, and the doctors should decide tomorrow if they need to do surgery. (According to his nurses who've seen the MRI report, it's likely. But we have no official word yet.) Please pray for him tonight in the hospital, and for me and the kids as we wait.

Three Count Post!

2010-03-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

"So I wanna live in a wooden house,
where making more friends would be easy.
I wanna live where the sun comes out"
-Coldplay "We Never Change"

(Yes, I know the song is about being okay with falling short without expectations of grace, which I believe we need. I just like the phrasing.)

Three days in a row. Can you tell I'm having trouble with a piece of architecture at work?

Actually, today is a request: pray for Sharon and I to have wisdom is deciding whether or not to send Asher to Kindergarten next year. His birthday is July, and he seems to not be quite ready socially/behaviorally, even though he's clearly ready academically. I don't know what we'd do with him if we don't send him that wouldn't just bore him to tears, but I also don't want him to dislike school because he gets in trouble for not paying attention.

Hopefully this decision (when it comes) will be easier with Micah, since he's an October birth.

The Life to Come

2010-03-10T12:20:00.000-05:00

"I am going where the means of grace shall cease
where I need no more to fast or pray or seek"
-Christine Dente "Heaven Desired"

In many ways I despise my being, and especially this time of year because I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. There are times, however, when I realize that even this is blessing.

Growing up in the south I never knew about this, and when it first happened to me in Chicago I ran into it like a brick wall. I'm not gonna recount those times, but I know how God orchestrated that in my life by having the right Pastor and the right friends to teach me about rebirth.

If you don't live where snow must be plowed, let me explain something. Snow plows tear things up. After lots of snow (like we've had) melts off, the ground at the sides of the roads bear deep scars in places where the blade (not knowing the road had stopped and ground had begun) has been gouged. After all the gunk of dirty snow and freezing weather, that first winter in Chicago, it just seemed so unfair: look what terrible things all that snow does.

But later you can hardly tell what happened. The snow does, I don't know, something to the ground, and it seems like everything grows at once. The most depressing, patchy, goopy mess less than a month later has little grasses all over it, and two months later it's... I don't know... ground. Grass. Dirt. Wildflowers. Not damaged at all. Having grown up in cotton country you think I'd understand the plow metaphor, but it took something else in my life to get there.

Lent is well timed. Hints of rebirth appear from the shroud of snow (that image is cliche because it's so accurate) and the world... remembers.

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me." In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me." For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes.
1 Corinthians 11:23-26

Wanna know another reason all this is in my head right now? Look at this Picasa Web Update.

Three Things, Four Things

2010-03-09T16:56:00.001-05:00

"this is the way the morning creeps into your room
this is the sunshine on your orange juice
this is the sky streaked bright with the early light
and this is my way of telling you that you are beautiful"
-Annie Quick "Beautiful"

Three things fill me hope. Indeed four things portend joy:

the smile of a five month old at his dancing brother
snow retreating, defeated
bright sun on sodden earth
dreaming of April from one month away

Conspiratorial Thoughts

2009-12-01T14:52:00.007-05:00

"the wise men came
three made their way
to shower him with love while he lay in the hay"
-Dave Matthews, "Christmas Song"

Our Sunday School class is doing (studying?) Advent Conspiracy this year. Here is the video they've been showing in our church service to promote it, which is actually a good introduction to it.

Sharon and I were talking about this, and I mentioned that I want to support this, but I'm afraid people will get the wrong message. For the record, I think the video above and the website get the message exactly right. But it's hard to explain their message without the potential to have it misunderstood.

The right message is that Christmas isn't about consumerism.

The wrong message is that Christmas isn't about gifts.

Let me explain, because if you've read this blog before you know Christmas is not only my favorite holiday but that I think the Incarnation is both the most amazing and most misunderstood idea in all of Christendom.

The Incarnation is God in the flesh. The idea is so outrageous that our closest religious cousins (Islam and Judaism) consider it blasphemy and more recent variations (like Baha'i and Mormonism) dilute it or shift it. But it's not just a side issue: it is bedrock to our faith. Without incarnation God is distant forever. In it, He not only voluntarily becomes like us, but He brings us to Him by His actions once incarnate. How does He do this? He gives himself.

Christmas is all about giving, and celebrating being given. I think it is a great idea to give of yourself at Christmas: recklessly, extravagantly. We have been given a huge gift - it's time to party.

I can see people hearing about this and thinking "oh yeah, I shouldn't spend so much money and give it to the poor instead." Your answer is in John 12:3, but I'll interpret here: we all know "that person" who donated money to the whales instead of buying you a present. This isn't like that. If they did it because they know you want to save the whales, then they've shown you love but otherwise they're still missing the point. Christmas isn't about helping the poor.

The problem also isn't that we're consumers (or rather, that's not the main problem). The problem is we don't understand gifts. We use our gifts to build up ourselves in some way. We worry about what to get the person who already has much more than we do. We worry about the asymmetry of giving something to someone who has much less than we do but is otherwise our peer. We feel pressured to value our relationships monetarily - to have our gift somehow reflect the value of the person in our eyes - so that if we don't spend enough we haven't shown enough love.

The point here is to give gifts and give the best ones. Give of yourself and your time to those who you have relationship with, give of your money to those who need it most, give of your service to those you can help. Give. Give. Give.

Some of you are exhausted. You give all the time. You have nothing left. Some of you are broke or out of a job or sick. This is not for you. God didn't give what he didn't have.

But, what Jesus did have, He gave. And what He couldn't give (His equality with God) He set aside in order to better give. He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant. That's humanity: the form of a servant.

Yes, don't buy the sweater she won't like - do something else. Say something else. Even buy something else. But don't be afraid to buy the sweater she will like if you're doing it to show love. Show her/him/them love. Love. Love. Love.

Shower them with love while He lays in the hay.

Voyage

2009-11-25T14:28:00.000-05:00

"oh Mover of me, may I always submit unto Thee
oh Mover of me, may I always depend on Thee
You don't move men like stones but endue them with life
that they may be free to be moved by Thee."
-Christine Dente, Voyage, "The Mover"

That's right, everybody. There's a new Christine Dente album. Go to their website right now. Plunk down your hard earned $15. Yes, it's a preorder. Yes, I've heard exactly one snippet of one song (you can hear it on her webpage). Yes, Sharon and I are going a little crazy. Go there now! Buy the album!

Abandon

2009-11-10T14:14:00.001-05:00

"I'm like Thomas doubting
fingers routing the scars in Your wrists and side
touching flesh will make my mind believe
I want to be like David
throwing clothes to the wind
to dance a jig in my skin
and be remade by Your cleansing again
I give you myself
it's all that I have
broken and frail
I'm clay in Your hands
and I'm spinning unconcealed
dizzy on this wheel
for You, my love" -Sixpence None the Richer, Dizzy

My mom and dad have been here visiting - I just took dad back to the airport this morning, but mom is with us until next Tuesday. This is both blessing and curse; I love having them here, but Asher gets lots of attention from his grandparents. When they leave we have to go through a detox where he gets used to reasonable amounts of attention again, instead of 24/7 all the time happy fun whatever you want.

Dad and I talked a lot on the way to PIT (his flight was at 7:10 AM) so I've been extra introspective today. I'm hoping to get some time this week to process some of the stuff we talked about, and maybe I'll have something fun to say later on.

Go buy Divine Discontent if you don't own it already. Also, if anybody wants to make some music suggestions, I'm all ears. I'm noticing that most of the music I quote on this blog is 7-15 years old, so pony up, people!

Want Not

2009-11-04T07:47:00.002-05:00

"digging deep I guess I say
is more pridefulness of that day
in truth I know that it is clear
I was distant, God is near"
-Poor Old Lu, Digging Deep

I've heard other people say it dozens of times, but you really can learn so much from children. Asher (most of the time) is still just honest and open, even when he's disobeying or in trouble.

Consider the following exchange:

(Asher is at the bottom of the stairs holding a Pringles can. I'm in one of the upstairs bedrooms talking to Sharon.)

Asher: Daddy, can I have a chip?
me: Sure, Asher. But I only want you eat one. We have supper soon.
Asher: Okay.

(A few minutes pass, and then I come out and start downstairs. Asher has a chip in each hand, so many in his mouth he can't swallow, and chip pieces all around him on the stairs.)

me: Asher, how many chips did you eat?
Asher: I don't know daddy. I wasn't counting.
me: Asher, daddy told you that you could have one.
Asher: Oooooh. I ate MANY more than one!

Recently I was a chaperone for Asher's preschool trip to a local orchard. We didn't get to go apple picking like we used to over near Chicago: Asher got to pick exactly one apple and he didn't even get to eat it. But it was fun to watch him interact with the other kids, and get to spy on him learning about becoming friends.

Some pictures:

Here are the other pictures, since I know most of you are really here for little bit (the first one is self labeled in the picture, in case you didn't know what you were looking at):

More pictures are available (as always, I don't post every one here) at our PicasaWeb page.

I know the original meaning of the song I quoted at the start is about sharing the Gospel, but I'm mostly reflecting on the goodness of my life and my happiness with my family - wife and sons. Being redeemed makes everything else so very sweet, and it seemed nice to be happy with all I've been given. I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to work out why these two blog posts go together.

But, I confess a slight retraction from the idea: one reason we haven't posted pictures for a while is I haven't taken very many - because my 5 year old Nikon D70 (I bought one of the first) is broken. The card reader is giving me the dreaded CHA error (pronounce it "sha", picture yourself in the 80s, and have fun with my camera dissing me.) Since I don't have a place close by to have it looked at (and some Nikon repairs shops can't seem to fix it) I'm gonna try to follow Stephan Mantler's directions to try to fix it. So, technically, although I feel content, I do still want - a least a little.

UPDATE: I just finished reassembling the D70, and it works great. None of the pins were bent or damaged, so I think the ribbon cable on the bottom of the camera must have come loose, and I fixed that while reassembling. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land!

Waste Not

2009-10-25T15:15:00.001-04:00

"For who repents not cannot be absolved,
Nor can one both repent and will at once,
Because of the contradiction which consents not." -Dante

Sharon's at a baby shower with Micah (for Micah) and Asher is watching Dora (also known as the abomination that causes desolation) so I just wanted to let people know that we are still here and okay. Sharon and I are both sick. Sharon, in particular, is on two different antibiotics, so poor Micah's digestion is just all off, so he's having trouble getting to sleep.

Also, I just wanted to encourage every one. Some of you reading this blog talk to us more than others, so I know what is weighing you down. But even for those who don't, be at ease today. You are loved and special and imago Deo, and for those who have been part of our lives, we love and miss you. I was reminded this week (especially this morning) that as beings of flesh our attitude is shaped more by the immediate than the eternal, more by the urgent than the important, more by presence than transcendence. Stop for a few minutes and thank God for those who are knitted together with you in life, and let them know you have.

Saying Goodbye

2009-10-17T23:12:00.002-04:00

"starting over ain't no big deal
they rebuilt Rome
and life goes on." -Pray for Rain

Many of you know I've been playing World of Warcraft this year. I started in February to have an online game to play with Levi and Noah. This post is sorta about that, so if you don't care (and there's no particular reason you should) feel free to skip this one. I'm not gonna explain much, so just hang on for the ride if you read it anyway.

They were way ahead of me in levels, so I spent a fair amount of time playing it trying to level up quickly and in a few months I caught up. They needed a healer, and back when I worked a UofC a guy named Dave on the support line played (way back in original WOW... tier 2 was released while I was working there) and he healed with a priest, so I decided to roll a priest. It was an okay game - not the best I've ever played but pretty well executed, and with my slightly addictive personality, I kept spending time on it even after I caught them. Then I got to the level cap, and suddenly the game got fun. I'm certainly no master, but the great part of WOW is when you play in a group and all work together, and playing a healer you really get a sense of the interaction between all the components in a good group.

After another month or two (sometime this summer) I had gotten enough gear and stuff to run heroics, and the game just got more fun! I had been in a "guild" with Levi and Noah, mostly so we could trade stuff and I could keep track of them when they were offline, but it occured to me that I could join a casual guild and get more social interaction and play 10/25-man content. If Levi or Noah logged on I could still see them, but they seemed to have left the game for a while. So one day I was playing in a pick-up group, and I decided to quit Noah's guild and see what happened. Before I got to the end of the run another guy in the group asked me to join his. It was exactly the kind of group I'd hoped to find..

I didn't realize this at the time, but the game became a reasonably important social outlet for me, especially after I got a headset and started talking to people in game. I never really became crazy addicted or anything, but it was nice having some friends who gamed, even if that's all I mostly knew about them.

The part I really enjoyed about this interaction was that they needed me to be good, and I got reasonably good. I never got to play much of the 10/25-man content, because the guild wasn't really organized that way, but it didn't matter: I enjoyed healing a lot. I enjoyed getting to see the personalities of these people come out in their play, and I liked enabling them (and others) to achieve things they really needed a good healer to do. And frankly I liked being that guy.

There are many things about being a father no one prepares you for. One of those happened today. Some of us were in 25-man Onyxia, and I was probably healer 2 or 3 out of 6 or 7. It was a good group: all but 2 or 3 really knew what they were doing. Those 2 or 3 were making it hard, and we weren't that coordinated, but we'd had two good attempts, and it seemed likely to me we'd down her on the third. Asher was watching over my shoulder (he likes seeing daddy help fight dragons) and I was pumped. Then, in phase 3, with all the other healers dead but with Onyxia down to 10% Micah started screaming. He'd been asleep, but I was on duty with both of the boys, and thankfully I did (without thinking about it) what I hope any good father would do; I stopped spamming heals and walked over and took Micah out of his papasan. I then turned around and watched as the main tank, who was doing a great job, got absolutely eviscerated without any healing. And it hurt.

It was then I realized I have to stop playing. It's not because it's making me a bad husband or father. It's because I can't stand letting people down who depend on me. I am able to let them down - I think I mostly have my priorities in the right place - but it's no fun putting yourself in a place for people to depend on you only to walk away.

Now, in real life, they'd know Micah. If this was, say, a band, they'd eat with me and watch TV with me occasionally or something, so they'd have a different perspective. Maybe they'd even be helping with Micah. But they don't, and even if they did it's not really fair to them to stick them with "the guy who sometimes walks out in the middle of a fight." More telling about myself is the realization that I don't want to be that guy, even if I enjoy the rest of the game.

So, I'm quitting for now. I'm sure another video game will come along and suck up my time. :-)

UPDATE: To share a related image:

My Two Sons

2009-10-10T18:06:00.001-04:00

"his sky's an empty bottle and when he's drunk the ocean dry
well he sails off three sheets to some reckless wind
and his friends say, 'Ain't it awful'
and he says 'No, I think it's fine'" - Rich Mullins

Two pictures say all I'm thinking right now.

A Few Pictures More

2009-10-04T20:25:00.001-04:00

"O’er all those wide extended plains shines one eternal day,
where God the Son forever reigns and scatters night away." -Samuel Stennett

Hopefully we'll be going home tomorrow, which means returning to work very soon for me. Probably not too many more pictures for a while. Thank you all for your love and support of us. Things are going very well.

Some of you have probably already noticed all these pictures come from the same album on our PicasaWeb page. It's likely that pictures will appear there before here, so if you're craving more Micah (grandparents, uncles, and aunts, I'm looking at you) you should probably check there even if we don't update here for a while.

A Fistful of Pictures

2009-10-04T08:56:00.000-04:00

"How far did I travel til you let my life unravel back home to you?
How much did you give until I finally got a glimpse of what love can do?
How far, how much and just how long did you wait for me?" - Christine Dente

Here are a few more pictures of Micah and me. If it's a scary close up where I look a little like a frightening Conan O'Brian, those are me holding the camera at arm's length. If they look normal, Sharon took them from across the room.

Not too many pictures of Sharon with Micah yet. As those of you with children will know, hospital gowns don't always make for modest pictures. :-)

Micah Micah James James

2009-10-03T05:09:00.007-04:00

"Help
He offers me that help,
did it all for free" - Lost and Found

Thank you for your congratulations, prayers, and concerns. Micah was out from under oxygen sometime between noon and 1:00 PM. I would be more specific, but time is a very nebulous concept to a newborn. Instead of hours, the world is divided into somewhat arbitrarily timed segments of:

sleep
nursing
burping
changing diapers

There was a nice break when Sharon's folks brought Asher up to meet Micah around 6:00ish. Asher kept commenting on how tiny the baby was and wanted to give him a kiss, which was very sweet.

No new pictures. They'd look the same as the other ones. But, I was amusing myself earlier looking at his baby pictures compared to Asher's.